Bad Habits 101

BAD HABITS 101

For years I battled with addictive behaviour – moving from one habit to the next with a particularly stubborn ally, nicotine! Some habits are light and socially acceptable; some are stubborn, strong and a cause for great embarassment.

I’ve always envied people who start and drop a habit at the snap of a finger. Usually these people are strong minded, strong willed individuals whose fundamental conviction and anchor for life is solid and unthreatened. These, my friends, are the ones never to start anything potentially addictive with! They start, and stop at will – your story may be completely different.

A warm welcome to those in my street club,  the ones who start and fall into the ditch even before the home-bell rings, the ones who just cannot live without one habit or another, homie welcome home, your tribe has long awaited your arrival 😁

Ok, but seriously, you are not alone. You see it always helps to know you are not alone because loneliness is both a trigger and propeller of habits – good and bad.  A reminder that you are not alone may just be the reinforcement you need to come out, speak out and maybe reach out and be heard by people whose hearts cry the same tears as yours, wherever you are in your journey with the habit.

Incase you are at tipping point and just want out, here’s some ‘quitting’ tips I personally discovered and found super helpful in my journey and experience:

🌻 Understand the habit.

All habits are a crutch and context is king. In my language there is a saying: ‘…umntu yinkos’uzazi…’ translated: ‘…nobody can understand you more than you…’! This is key. You have all the answers you need, and they are not in the next fix, they are within you. Understand why you started, why you persisted in the behaviour, and why it became a habit. Understand why that particular habit, and most importantly, why you? Of all people, why, you! Understand the habit. ❤

🌻 Accept it!

Accept that you are willfully engaged in the habit, and that infact, you love what you do. This was the hardest part of my healing journey. I was praying one day and in my heart I felt the need to confess that actually, I cannot kick this habit because I love it. I love the feeling of lighting up that cigarette, especially in the dark and seeing the orange light go off with every puff gave me a kick! I loved it! Discovering that I love it inspite of my inner guilt sparked so much confusion and inevitably more dependance. The irony, OH. MY. GRACIOUS-ME! But hey, it is what it is. Truth finally spoke louder than guilt – it was hard but now that it was out,  accepted and reconciled in my head and heart, it was finally easier accepting that I AM HOOKED, BECAUSE I LIKE WHAT I DO, inspite of what I feel! Acceptance is truly the beginning of all healing. When we accept we also break down the walls of shame. Ever heard the saying: ‘…the power of wrong is in its secrecy…’? Yup, it can be true of our habits too. So when we accept and break down the walls of shame, we gain the courage to face our giant, talk about it, reach out for help, and importantly, learn to love ourselves inspite of how awful we feel about ourselves. Acceptance gives us the permission to live again – this time with a new set of rules from our own box of power tools, and it gets easier with time. YAMKELA. AMOGELA. ❤

🌻 Scrutinise associations.

Explore everything and everyone connected to the habit. Why does that particular habit make you feel good? What emotions does it invoke? What memories are associated with those emotions in your life? Who does the habit remind you of? Why is the memory of that person so strong subconsciously you want to hold on to them by all means possible? These are some preliminary questions you can start asking yourself as you embark on a journey of understanding your habit. You see, habits are generally subconscious activities which we let manifest in our everyday lives. Unless we dig deep and far, and allow ourselves to patiently navigate right to the root, we will fall into the cycle of addiction and relapse. (We will discuss this in the next installment on the matter) ❤

🌻 Identify and understand your triggers.

I cannot emphasise enough just how important it is for us to know what triggers us – generally, and moreso,  in dealing with a habit. Triggers are closely tied to associations. Infact, by the time you’re done scrutinising your associations, your triggers will surface and it will all make sense why you are triggered by what triggers you. Identify, know them and set up systems and means to avoid what triggers you. In addition, find and introduce  alternative coping mechanism for your triggers,  especially while on the journey to total healing. Whatever you introduce as a substitute for your triggers forms part of the new foundation. Choose your replacements carefully! Know your triggers. ❤

🌻 Replace and rebuild.

Once you have journeyed with yourself to help understand the why, you may discover some aspects of your past which require adjustment so as not to have a negative effect in your present. Identify those, apply necessary treatment and introduce healthy replacements – preferraby one you can identify with in the present. Keep evaluating and replacing until you have built a solid foundation on which you life may grow. For me it was relinquishment, acceptance, forgiveness, healing, affirmation, comfort eating and prayer. For you it could be something else. Replace and rebuild, you owe yourself love and kindness, not just for the sake of dropping a habit, you owe yourself kindness and love because you are worthy. ❤

🌻 Talk about it

This may be hard. It was for me. The day I realised that the power of the habit is in its secrecy I rose up and made a list of people I thought should know. My spiritual mentor at the time, was top of my list. Take a moment, and pu-leee-ze imagine with me the mountain it was having to confess such a grave habit to someone I pray with, someone who sees greatness in me! It was hard, but it was worth it. I also told my mom, aunt, and other people I was embarassed to admit to. Letting them know decreased the pressure, the guilt, the shame. It did open a door for relaxation though, which I quickly closed when I realised it, and that’s the trick. With habits it seems every step of progress opens a whole mountain of complications! *phew* Just be persistent and remind yourself ‘this is a journey’. Remains calm and in control. Letting others know is important for your self-acceptance, your pace and through the journey, for accountability. Talk about it!  ❤

🌻 Be Patient with yourself!

Kicking a habit is a journey of ups and downs; highs and lows – literally! 😄 Please, be patient; be loving, be gentle and oh, be kind to yourself. Our immediate instinct in persuing healing is to want to jump stages, cold-quit and go for short-cuts, and this is caused by the anxiety of wanting to see yourself out of the tunnel as quickly as can be. Unfortunately, the same route we take out is most likely the same route we will take walking right back into the habit. Abrupt disruption of habits is the main cause of relapses. Be patient with yourself. Being patient also teaches others what to expect from you and how much pressure they can exert. Being patient, however does not mean being careless. Remember why you started and remember why you want to stop! Promise me, and promise yourself: I will be patient, and I will always remember that patience is the only way out of this tunnel ❤

Finally, always remember this: no addict is better than the other!

One of the biggest mistakes we make is comparing our lives to the next person. We are moved, motivated, equipped and raised uniquely. Even with siblings raised in the same household, the outcome is always unique. Never in your journey, fall into the trap of thinking you’re a better addict in comparison to another person or that they are a better addict than you. This is a grand error which cripples our journey of understanding, and ultimately, healing and growth. You are your own comparison, especially with regards to the habit. You are also your own standard. Be inspired yes, but never aim to be better than anyone else except yourself. ❤

Blessed and safe rite of passage from shame and guilt into love, light, peace and joy. You are LOVE. Love yourself into love, and never stop loving LOVE ❤

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